how barbie changed my life & now she's 50

this week marked the 50th birthday of that american icon, barbie.     she was born on march 9, 1959.  i won't review the details of her birth & coming into being- that story is generally known by now.  the event of her 50th did not go unnoticed by me.  i''ll start from the beginning.  not too surprisingly, i was a "girlie girl" from the get-go.  i never really was a tomboy. my mother says from a very early age (18 months or so), i would get a new dress & i would stand at the top of the stairs & wait for just the right moment to make my entrance, swishing down the stairs when i trusted all eyes were upon me (it's not easy to swish in a diaper- especially a cloth one). barbie is three years younger than i am.  i don't remember the first time i saw barbie.  i don't remember not knowing about barbie, in her black & white swimsuit.  i coveted that doll- nothing else would do.  she was beautiful & sophisticated & boy, did she have the clothes.  & the car.  & the house.  & the boyfriend.  & the best friend.  she had it all.  she was everything i ever wanted to be.  oh, yeah- the shoes- did she have the shoes!

this is a rather longish post- i hope you'll bear with me.  my mother said that when we were growing up, my brother, sister & i had the uncanny knack of making best friends with either only children or children whose parents had more money than we did.  & of course, we wanted what they had.  my BFF was franny.  we met when i was 8 years old & we moved to our house in annandale.  franny was not an only child, but her two brothers were at least 10 years older than she, so might as well have been.  & franny had barbie.  boy, did franny have barbie!  the clothes, the car, ken, the house.  by the way, franny also had white go-go boots.  i wanted white go-go boots- mom said no way.  in my mind, i could see myself strolling through annandale in my ever-so-chic white go-go boots, while passers-by turned their heads to take in such a fashionista.  i would never trip or stumble in my white go-go boots- it was as though i was walking on air.  alas, no white go-go boots ever graced my feet.  such a tragic set of circumstances.

but back to barbie.  we'd play barbie at franny's for hours.  i've posted some photos of some of the more memorable outfits franny had.

i loved cherries jubiliee- that velvet swing coat & pillbox hat.  tres chic!  no wonder ken couldn't stop thinking about her.  barbie was so elegant, no matter what she did.  whether she was a doctor, a lawyer, taking care of skipper, doing fun things with her BFF midge, being a policewoman-  barbie did it all.  

my sister's BFF had barbie as well.  kathy was never as girlie as i was- she could do the barbie thing some. nancy really had the set-up (she was an only).  she had clothes made for her barbie- they were quite couture. nancy's mother bought her underwear at lord & taylor's- my mother thought that was the height of extravagence-  underwear at lord & taylor's & they wrapped each one in tissue, to boot!  anyway, we were surrounded by these incredible barbie collections.  i would go down to franny's house & she would wear her go-go boots & i would just revel in her barbie items & we would play for hours.

there were a few other great things about franny's house.  she had snacks- chocolate, potato chips & soft drinks!  wonder bread!  at our house, we did not have chocolate, we did not have potato chips, we did not have cookies & we did not have soft drinks.  we had kool-aid & my mom always cut back just a bit on the sugar when she made it.  if we did have cookies, they were fig newtons or those raisin bars they used to make with the zig-zag sides.  fruit was available for snacks.  & carrots.  & jello.  & we NEVER had wonder bread.  "nothing but air,"  my mother would say, disdainfully.  she was just ahead of her time, actually.   we didn't fry things in my house, we ate lots of fruit & i can count on one hand the number of times we ate at mcdonald's growing up (& even then, she would bring it home & put it on plates!).  but at franny's.....   at franny's, i could chow down to my heart's content.  we now know that mom did not have a lot of that stuff in the house because she couldn't trust herself with it.  at the time, it felt like deprivation.  & those items were costly, as well.  & although, franny's family was catholic, they ate meat on friday.  i loved eating down there on friday.  this was before vatican II lifted the restriction & made it okay to eat meat on fridays.  at that time, i didn't eat fish.  i didn't like cooked cheese.  there were very few things to eat on friday.  my mother often made tuna casserole- she always made me a separate one with no cheese in it.  (thanks, mom).  or i could go to franny's & have spaghetti with meatballs, veal parmesan, lasagna.  it was a no brainer.  but back to barbie....

for christmas, when i was either 8 or 9,  under our christmas tree that year was..........   tammy???????  we got tammy.  do you remember tammy?  here's a picture of tammy.

tammy had a number of flaws.  i will list them individually.  

1. she was NOT barbie.

2. she had big hips.

3. she had almost no boobs.

4. she came with a dumb little sister, pepper (who names their kid pepper?).

5. she came with a mom- who wants a mom when you're pretending to be an adult doll?

6. she came with a dad- need i say more?

7. she had no BFF.

8. she had big feet & her shoes were almost flat.

9. her clothes were ugly.

10. her endeavors & interests were pedestrian & predictable.

11. her car was lame.

12. she had no pets.

13. her house was.......   non-existant.

14. she had bad hair.

15. she had bad shoes.

16. this is how she sat.  (as my mother would say, the shop was open).

what lady sits with their legs open like that?  tammy is the middle one in the picture above, standing up.  the two below her,  sitting so ladylike, are pepper & pepper's friend, dodi.  

barbie of course, sat like a lady, with her legs together, saving herself for ken.  

now, of course, today, i have empathy for my mom.  we were doing all right & there was not a lot of money to spare.  so she saved where she could.  she didn't see the difference.  how could you not see the difference?

tammy's a farm girl- built for having babies and milking cows.  look at those hips.   & the size of her face.  why does she have such a big face?  was that really necessary for tammy?  & look at that little waist of barbie's & those perky perfect breasts.  & her feet- oh her feet.  now those were feet meant for a lady- feet that can handle the only true shoes....   high heels.  barbie doesn't do flats.

& the shoes... tammy's shoes in the picture above are the red ones.  they aren't even high!  & they're wide. those aren't shoes- those are boxes!

how could you choose tammy?  i don't care if barbie would forever distort & warp my view of what women should look like, cause me countless agonizing hours of feeling ugly & inadequate & working to attain goals that were impossible & unrealistic to attain.  tammy struck at the very heart of my fear-  that i was really a tammy & not a barbie.  i wanted to be a barbie-  in white go-go boots, if at all possible!  & yet there sat tammy.

tammy got some attention- not much.  i'm sure mom was disappointed that we were less than enthusiastic.  & i'm sure we appeared ungrateful.  mostly tammy just sat, with her mom & pepper & dodi, with her legs spread, oh, so wide.

so, with the barbie thirst still unquenched, life went on.  the thirst didn't diminish.  & thus it was that i purchased my first barbie with my own money.  it was the american girl barbie from 1965- the first barbie that bent at the knee.  this is what she looked like.  as it turns out, she ended up being a particularly valuable barbie.  they did not make many of the particular model & she is kind of rare.  i purchased some clothes & accessories for my barbie.  it wasn't very long; however, before i grew out of barbie & turned my sights to some other things.  & barbie was mostly forgotten & went to join the others in the land of forgotten toys.....

..........until..........

....until my niece caitlin, arrived.  caitlin, born in 1985, added color to my world.  i was smitten with caitlin from the moment i first held her & it has continued to this day.  at the time, we were trying to have a child ( we later learned we could not) & i loved that little girl like nobody's business.  it was from caitlin i learned the true power of barbie & was able to witness the depth of my trauma of being denied barbie.

i forget how old caitlin was- caitlin was a girlie girl (of course, since her mother wasn't).  she loved clothes & toys & girlie things & purses & makeup & shoes -  i was her mentor, her spiritual guide to all things feminine. i think she was around 2 1/2  or 3 & we were at mom & dad's house & the barbie & tammy dolls came up in conversation.  they were upstairs in the closet with some of our old toys & kathy & i pulled them out for caitlin.  first out came tammy- caitlin delighted in tammy- taking off & on clothes.  we assisted with dialogue & playing & creating stories.  all was good.  then i said to mom "do you have my old barbie?"  she went up & got it.  i took barbie out of the case & caitlin turned, mesmerized.  there were stars in her eyes.  she tossed the tammy in her hand to the floor, almost stepping on her as she came over to more closely examine the object her aunt mimi was holding.  she never touched tammy again.  the pilgrimage was over- she had made it to mecca.

now- a bit of back story.  this was in the late 1980's.  i was working in the drug & alcohol field at that time.  the adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) movement was just gaining steam.  my colleague & i routinely did presentations to the public to educate them regarding the ACOA stuff & addictions stuff.  the ACOA movement gave birth to the concept of the "inner child", also all the rage at that time.  we needed to get in touch with our inner child & give voice to it.  so these concepts were frequently included in our presentations.  one evening, shortly after the barbie resurrection, susan & i were doing a presentation to about 100 women.  & i was sharing about the inner child concept & getting in touch with our spontaneity & creativity & all that other good stuff.  i shared the story of barbie & tammy & how my still unsatisfied deep longing for barbie had been awakened with watching my niece.  i still wanted a barbie- the child in me did.  i must have been rather compelling as i related this story- for christmas that year (we did the presentation in november), susan gave me a barbie with some outfits.  i almost cried!  

now during all this, kathy & i relentlessly teased my mother about her choice of tammy & how she had damaged me forever.  first the go-go boots & then barbie.  that was the reason i had social difficulties when i was younger, that was the reason i was way overweight by the age of 16 & way underweight by the age of 18.  this explained why i had such difficulties with math.  that was the reason i struggled with inadequacy most of my life & felt like i was different & it was bad that i was different.  if only i had had barbie- all that may have been avoided.  just to save a few dollars?!  what price mental health!!!!???   it was all so clear to me...  how my life might have been so different.  the things i could have achieved- who knows what the true potential was?  (if go-go boots had been added to the mix, i easily could have been the first female president- move over, hilary!) mom had some difficulty feeling adequately guilty, but i know deep down she did- she just couldn't show it.  anyway, that year for christmas, both caitlin & i got barbies from santa claus.   & thus the healing began.....

caitlin & i played barbies for hours.  we purchased clothes & shoes & accessories.  franny gave me her old barbies- this is how i came into ownership of several vintage dolls.  my friend, kate, became enamored with the new interest & began to give me expensive barbies for christmas.  the bloomingdale barbie in nicole miller.  barbie in calvin klein.  barbie in DKNY.  we had so much fun with our barbies.  we got some men for our girls- ken showed up.  we got a vintage ken- again from franny & a more updated ken.  i think the more updated ken just looked gay- which cracked caitlin up to no end.  caitlin loved it when i did different voices & we put on fashion shows for the barbies, with ken as "biff" narrating.    & then......  & then.......   caitlin grew up & outgrew barbie.  & i was okay with it... mostly.  i could let barbie go by then.

because by now i deeply understood that i would never be barbie & i didn't need to be.  it sure was fun to pretend though, for the time that i did.  & i could still play with my makeup & my clothes & wear high shoes & be okay with me.  that is one of the lovely things about getting older.  so many of the things i used to fret about take up so much less real estate in my brain.  certainly i wished i weighed less than i do right now & i will get some of off-  mostly for health reasons, a good portion for appearance, some for the desire to fit into some of my favorite clothes.  barbie had some good lessons, too- family is important.  you take care of your siblings & spend time with them.  it's always good to have a BFF, or two.  one who will always be true & who knows you inside & out & loves you anyway.  & who wears that same size as you.  & will never take your boyfriend.  & it doesn't hurt to have a man (or woman)- a partner in your life.  it's not necessary & it sure can add.  & it's important to be yourself.  barbie has never apologized for who she is.  she doesn't care that she was based on a porn doll from germany.  i also learned that it never hurts to have a really bitchin' ride with a convertible top!  the other thing i've learned is that i have a lot of barbies.  when i went to track them down to take pictures for this post, i was amazed.  i have a vintage midge, the american girl barbie from 1965, the barbie with wigs (we call her chemotherapy barbie) & an older ken.  i have  alot of new dolls.  since i got my first barbie later in life, most of stuff is in pretty good shape.  i have a good number of older clothes in fairly good shape. one day, i'll sell them.  i won't make a bundle- i'm sure they're worth a few hundred to someone.  & it's still fun to look at them- they bring back lots of memories.

i don't want to get too corny here.  i hope barbie has learned some lessons at 50.  i hope she has found some of the comfort of wisdom that i have found.  i hope she has experienced a change in her personal geography- i am much more clear about my own magnetic north & thus rarely get too terribly lost in the maze of choices that reflect values, beliefs, right & wrong actions, priorities.  i hope she has learned to live much more congruently now, as i have- my insides & outsides match most of the time.  i hope she doesn't worry so much about stating her opinion or saying when she thinks something is wrong- i know i have.   i trust my own moral compass so much more now & i hope 50 year old barbie does as well.  & who knows, maybe she'll even be ready to commit & make an honest man of ken.  or maybe she'll just do the oprah & stedman thing.  

so, happy 50th barbie- belatedly (her birthday was march 9)- but it's from me- why would it be on time?  

& thank you, mom for seeing to it that i finally did get a barbie....